It is just funny that we used to be so close; you can’t even look at me anymore. That really hurts.

You started talking to me, just out of the blue. And hearing your name is a reassuring sign that maybe my life is going to change.

And maybe you and I just weren’t meant to be, but that just kills me. You lied; you made promises throughout the year we were together. Then you just decide to disappear. I see you every day, and I’m learning to hate your face.

Forgive me; I know that this is what we need. I should just leave, because I never told the truth. I never ever told you the truth. And the constant yelling coming from your mouth states that you have found me out.

Used to say that staring into your eyes felt like home, but you were like no home I had ever known. You were soft and lovely, and you always kept me warm. I miss having someone to wrap me up in their arms and whisper sweat melodies in my ear.

With all the clichéd “I am sorry’s” coming out of my mouth, I see the corners of your mouth twitching. You don’t believe a word I say. And why should you? I wouldn’t.

“Maybe I could have loved you better. Maybe you should have loved me more. Maybe our hearts were just next in line. Maybe everything breaks sometimes.”

Want to scream in your face, because you really threw me on the floor again. You knew I was hurting, you knew I wasn’t strong, and you took it for granted, and now you are gone.

We were so happy for so long, and going back to being unhappy, feels more than just wrong.

I can’t hide that the words hurt me. I can blame it on bad luck, cold weather, that my car just wouldn’t start, but in truth the tears are from words that won’t leave my head, even after you vacated my bed.

Both stare at each other, wishing for the right words to say, we know they aren’t enough. No matter what happens I will always be there, and you can always run back to me. Whenever that may be.

I changed myself, and every little thing that I do. Changed my whole wardrobe, my hair color, the way I walk. I changed so much that you wouldn’t recognize me, I can’t even recognize myself. Started talking to a boy that used to ignore me completely, he says I’m wonderful and talented. I’m hoping that next time I see you; you won’t notice how I changed just to forget about you.

You were the place I’d go to rid of my sorrows and guilt. You were the warm arms I could turn to when the day had been unkind. You were the soft words whispered in my ear when I just needed to hear that everything would be okay.

“Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me. It's such a shame that you shot me down. It would have been nice to be around”

Every night feels the same now that you aren’t around. I keep dreaming the same exact dream, where you fly back home, wrap me in your arms, and say that you are back for good.

You keep calling, but I no longer answer the phone. The times I had picked up, the awkward silences almost killed me. Let’s not pretend that you are still in love with me. Just leave me be.

Walked around New York today, saw the garbage littered all over the street. Used to say we’d move here to get away, but now that you’re gone, I’m not sure I would have moved here anyway.

Another late night movie and another pint of ice cream. All of the words I spoke seem to run away from me, and every time I try to get even the tiny bit closer to living, my dreams kill me down. They kill me down.

I guess we all have our little secrets, but some of them we are just never supposed to speak.

But I can no longer pretend it is fine. What you said, what I said. What we both said. What we both promised. And now the word’s are dead.

You were not supposed to be better off without me. When I left you were supposed shed a few tears, change a bit, put on a happy face and try to face the world again. I didn’t expect you to wake up with some new girl the very next day.

I thought I wanted to make this right, but I realized that it isn’t worth it. Just going to keep moving on until you approach me. Every day gets a little easier; every moment is another chance for something new.

“Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest, forgetting you or forgetting myself. Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest, forgetting you or forgetting myself.”

She is beautiful, do you know that? Well, nevermind, of course you do. She looks wonderful with your arm around her, and you can tell she adores you. She is the naïve version of me, but she’ll change, you’ll see.

Hello there. I am back. Give me comments if you like that fact.

I might start this site up again.
What do you think? Good idea?
It would be working along side my other site.

Gina.

You existed to me, and that's what counts.

I'm not sure how I feel about our situation anymore. I am just glad it is the past, and that it is going to stay in the past. I've changed so much, I'm nothing like I used to be. I'm so glad. Thank you for making me grow up, even if it broke me down back then, I'm glad now.

We were in denial for so long, and now we can't even look each other in the eyes. I am so sorry. I am just so sorry.

I was still a little kid when you appeared in my life. I was so happy back then. I want to blame you, but I know I can't. I broke my own heart by loving you.

And I know that sometimes it just isn't enough to say sorry. Sometimes you really weren't sorry. I mean I know I am still not sorry, it was what I wanted to do. I had a strong intuition, and even if it meant you never forgiving me, i took it. I knew the consequences, I didn't care then. I may care now, but back then it was worth it. So I'm still not sorry. Sorry about that.

Do you ever think about me and how I'm doing? I mean what if I was dead or something? You wouldn't even know. You wouldn't even care.

So I pledged to myself that I'd write this all down. Every single word of every meaningful conversation. And when this is all over I will look back on everything and say, that maybe it wasn't worth it anyway.

Maybe you shouldn't be standing so close to me, because I can feel your body heat. And baby, it's cold outside, and I have no jacket. So step away, maybe a couple inches, then again step maybe a mile away.

I don't want to remember that you were everything I had wanted back then.

Don't beg me to take you back, because I can't honestly believe a word you say. You were everything back then, and I wasn't anything. So why has that changed now? I distinctly remember you saying you never loved me. Did you just wake up and decide you loved me today?

I love you, that much is true. I also love him, but I can't tell you. You wouldn't want to know anyway. Because then you'd be comparing yourself to him, wondering what I loved about him. And how could I explain to you that it is just the way I feel when he stares into my eyes? It's the kind of feeling that makes me want to die.

You told me that we should just get away from here one day. You got away. You jumped onto a plane and left me here. Sometimes I hope you are dead. I really hope you are dead.

You are much better than him. I mean I even know that. But I'm a wreck, I'm a mess, and I deserve much worse than you.

And we went for a walk last night, it was chilly and I loved it. The leaves are starting to fall. The colors are gorgeous. And you are far from gorgeous, and you are far from everything I've ever wanted. But maybe it's better that way.

I'd give anything to hear you tell me you care for me, just so I can turn and walk away.

This isn't love. This is hell.

So last night was a good night. Tomorrow should be fun. I just went driving today to get my mind off of situations in my life right now. It's officially autumn, it is finally chilly. I brought out all my autumn clothes, and I love it. I love autumn. I love it.
Gina.

"Someday if ever you love you'd say, it's okay."

comments make my day.

Mostly I just want to prove you wrong. I want to show you I can live without you. Even if that's not true.

So everything is just different now. There are no words to explain this, except different. Some days I'm okay, some days I'm not. But the greatest part of all this is that I am getting up every day and putting a smile on my face. Whether that smile is real of fake doesn't really matter, because at least I'm living again.

It was just an empty promise, but I've gotten so used to them that I can't even tell the difference between the truth or a lie. And maybe it doesn't really matter. Because the truth hurts just the same as a lie does.

I tried my best, I really did. It was never up to me though. We both know that. It was up to you as well, and if you love her much more than you ever loved me, then go ahead and leave. I can see it in your eyes, I love you, and you love her. And you know what? I understand now. It may not be okay at this exact moment, but someday it won't hurt so much.

And so much of this is about forgiveness and moving on. Trying our best not to end up alone, even when we know that being alone would be best for us.

This is about love. This about you and me. Me and you. And how we didn't make it. How we both just liked the idea of each other. Never each other. And now I like the idea of someone else, and you actually love someone else. And I'm glad. You're lucky.

I already cut my hair short, and now I dyed it almost black. I like the color change. I know you don't, I can see it in your face. And I love that you hate it. I love it. Because next you'll start hating me. Then it's only a matter of time until you are completely disgusted by me and you'll leave. You'll finally let me be.

I can't do this anymore. I'm not even noticed by you anymore. I am needed when there is no one else is around, and when you need someone to pretend to love. Then you push my aside. I'm not sure I deserve this, but maybe I do. I just don't need it from you.

I'd love to get the hell away from this east coast. Maybe drive all the way across the country, away from the Jersey shore, and away from everything I used to love. Because all my emotions turned to hate. Hate for this place, hate for this people, hate for you. And I can't take it. I hate it. I need to run away.

You only want one thing from me, and I give in. I give in and tell myself that maybe you'll care for me. You just like me less and less. I don't understand it. I do everything you want, and I'm still not good enough.

It's just all these wasted opportunities, all of those chances we had but let go. And second chances just don't come, and what ifs cloud our minds. What if, what if, what if. What if it weren't like this? Would we still be the same?

I am not doing very well today. Because I did something bad with my boyfriend last night that I'm regretting. I don't really want to talk about it. I dyed my hair darker, and it's still interestingly short. Oh. And someone asked me for my myspace. so heres the link: Myspace.
Gina.

"I used to think how I had them all so figured out, but no, none of it's true because I never knew you."

comments are still lovely.

Seems that you've forgotten what you promised me. What did forever mean to you anyway?

And there used to be so much to look foward to every day. Now I'm not sure of a reason to get out of my bed. I drink coffee as if it will save me. And I haven't cried in weeks even though I need to. It seems that ever since you left I just don't know how to live. Not without you.

You said that it wasn't enough, that I wasn't trying hard enough. You saw right through me and I am so sorry. Because I never meant for you to know that I don't care that strongly for you. I just don't want to loose your friendship, even though I know I will. Sorry isn't enough. It never is.

Weeks passed in what felt like a second. Sometimes I can't believe it even happened. I wish it hadn't.

There was an instant connection. We had both felt it when you grabbed my hand. I was so young, and you weren't. How could you decide it was okay to take advantage of me like that? Say you love me, take something precious from me, and find someone else? I still miss your touch.

I don't believe I was supposed to think this much into it. You thought I'd give up and move on without any words spoken. You thought I'd just shut up and take it didn't you? I am so sick of taking shit from the people I love. If you even care you'd know that.

Can't even breathe anymore, and I'm not sure why. I cut my hair really short again, it's just under my chin, because I know how much you loved it long. I straighten the hell out of it because I know how much you loved it curly. I might hate the way it looks, but if it keeps you away from me then I am happy.

Third all nighter this week. I just hate sleeping because that means I have to wake up.

When you first left we said it could still work. You'd call every night and we'd talk for hours nonstop. Then you started only calling once a week, and alkward silences filled the line. Then once a month, and it would be for a minute or two. Now I haven't heard from you in three months, and I wonder if you're dead. I hope you are because then I wouldn't hate you so much.

The truth is I've never felt this alone before in my life, and even when I'm around people. I think it's because of you.

Promises don't mean anything anymore and no one can be faithful anymore. You can't. I can't. There is no way of escaping the fact that every failed relationship is just another peice of me taken away.

You just stopped loving me. I don't know why or how. You just woke up one day and decided that it had faded. I still love you. I don't get it. DId you ever love me?

And so I am going to update much more now. This update sucked, but I'm about to go out. My father is better now, he got out the other day. I've been doing well in school, and I'm still dating my boyfriend. Almost seven months now. And I got my hair cut short, well just under my chin. It's different for me. I'm regretting it.
Gina.

"Is this over? Trembling silence fills the air as we stand here. And maybe it's being stupid and maybe its being dumb."

comments are lovely.